Itchy sweaters: An ally’s guide to understanding late-in-life pronoun and gender changes

My middle-aged adult friend just announced they are a different gender than I thought they were, and asked me to use a new name and new pronouns for them.

Why are they just realizing this now? They never seemed to react badly to their original name, gender, and pronouns before. Was it really bothering them so much they had to change?

Even the most well-intentioned ally can get confused, or even frustrated, when someone in their life comes out as nonbinary, transgender, or with a new name and new pronouns. Respecting that person now requires additional effort and practice. You have to rewire your memory a bit, and take extra care when speaking to or about that person until you get used to using the new name and pronouns. (I assure you, the effort is both worth it, and appreciated!)

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Queer Qabala: Soon to be a book!

You may have noticed this blog has been a bit quiet since the end of last year. I have a good excuse: I’ve been working on a book!

I’m pleased to say that Queer Qabala: Nonbinary, Genderfluid, Omnisexual Mysticism & Magick is coming to bookstores July 8, 2022, published by Llewellyn. I expect it’ll be available for pre-order in November or December this year — stay tuned! I’ll be sure to let you know when you can pre-order it. (Join my mailing list so you are among the first to know!)

I’ve expanded significantly on the Qabala content from this blog to bring you a book I’m extremely proud of, one that I hope will be a springboard for future books on Queer Qabala by a wide array of people.

The book is broken into three parts:

  1. An overview of Qabala and queerness in magick
  2. A walk through each of the ten spheres through a queer lens
  3. Lots of Qabala-based workings for queer magickal practitioners

I’m extremely honored that the Foreword will be written by none other than Christopher Penczak, author of over 20 books on magic and mysticism and founder of the Temple of Witchcraft tradition. I’m a big fan of Christopher’s work, particularly his work with Qabala, and am so excited and humbled that he will be penning the Foreword.

I’ll keep you posted as there is more news to share, but I’m so excited I finally got to tell you all this wonderful news!

“Sexuality: A Graphic Guide” (review)

Meg-John Barker and Jules Scheele knock it out of the park again with their latest book, Sexuality: A Graphic Guide. Like Gender: A Graphic Guide and Queer: A Graphic History, the newest in their collection teaches a fully-illustrated, condensed 101 course in its subject matter.

Barker and Scheele tell the story of of how humanity understands sexuality and why it’s so complicated, while acknowledging complexities, disagreements, and problematic elements within the evolution of our understanding of sexuality over time. Their approach is intersectional, acknowledging how race, culture, disability, and wealth are inseparable from one’s experience of sexuality; and they note the heavy influence capitalism and white supremacy have had on controlling people’s sexual desires and actions throughout the ages.

Other topics covered in the book include asexuality, BDSM and kink culture, sexual pleasure vs. function, sex disorders, and consent. The authors also dive into the much-debated topic of sex work, showing the harm done by stigmatizing sex workers.

I’d highly recommend this to anyone who enjoyed Barker and Scheele’s other graphic guides, as well as anyone looking to get a deeper understanding of sexuality as a concept.

The Genderqueer Tree of Life workshop (video)

Hello, friends! I’ve recently polished up my Genderqueer Tree of Life workshop, and recorded it for all to enjoy.

Workshop description:

The Hermetic Qabala is often perceived as an old-fashioned, patriarchal magickal tool full of absolutes and gender binaries. However, a deeper look within reveals all kinds of complicated, multi-faceted, and fluid gender and magickal polarities. This class will provide a brief introduction to Hermetic Qabala, including a pathworking where participants can experience the energy of each sphere on the tree, followed by an analysis on the use of gender and polarity in magick. We will then look at the use of gender and polarities on the Tree of Life and consider how this can relate to our magickal perspectives and practices. The class will conclude by offering a sample model for applying a queer lens to the Tree of Life, offering participants the tools necessary to develop their own.

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How to use gender-inclusive language

I originally wrote this for an internal blog at work, and my colleagues and friends requested I repost it publicly to be shared more widely. I’ve adapted the original post with some minor updates and stripped out the stuff that was specific to the workplace.

Big thanks to my colleagues Tallulah and Basil for their help in assembling and editing this post!

The words we use are so important. Using gender-inclusive language demonstrates our commitment to cultivating an inclusive and comfortable space for everyone.

There are lots of commonly-used phrases in English that are gender-exclusive. Because many English-speakers are used to hearing and using these phrases, it may not occur to people that these phrases are unintentionally exclusive. But knowledge is power, and we can do better!

For example, references to “men and women” exclude those of us who are nonbinary. Here are some helpful substitutions that are more inclusive:

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ICYMI: Major Arqueerna 2020

I started this website almost exactly one year ago, and I’m so proud of everything it has become. I’ve kept up blogging every week (with a couple exceptions here and there), and I hope I’ve provided you with some helpful resources and ideas for your life and magick.

I’m going to take a little hiatus to refuel my creative juices, but rest assured I will return.

In case you missed it (ICYMI)…here are all the posts from this year, grouped by category:

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Your adult child just came out as non-binary. Now what?

Most resources about non-binary or genderqueer people coming out are aimed at teens and their parents. Resources for parents of non-binary adults are, unfortunately, sparse. I’ve pulled together the ones I’ve been able to find.

I’m using “non-binary” as an umbrella term for “identities outside of ‘male’ and ‘female.'” Your child may use a more specific term, like “genderqueer,” “genderfluid,” “bigender,” “agender,” or “xenogender.” We’ll get more into terminology later in this post, so don’t worry!

Step 1: When your child comes out, listen with an open mind.

For many non-binary or genderqueer people, telling our family members about our gender identity, even when we’re adults, is really scary. We fear we won’t be understood, or won’t be taken seriously. We worry that we won’t be able to express ourselves well. We are terrified our parents may reject our new names and pronouns.

It takes an incredible amount of courage to come out to those who raised us. Even if you don’t understand fully what your child is saying, even if you are hurt by your child saying they are something other than what you think they are, and even if you don’t believe their identity is real, resist the urge to push back in the heat of the moment, and try to take pride in them doing a very scary, courageous thing.

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Yule 2020: Haven’t we been doing this all #&$%ing year?

For those who celebrate the Wheel of the Year, Yule is a time of quiet, introspection, and solitude. It’s when we embrace a hygge lifestyle: one of less busy-ness and fewer social commitments, and more cosiness and rest. It’s a delightfully counter-cultural notion within a society that values productivity and busy-ness all year ’round. The idea that there are times that we must rest, reflect, and recover is radical…and incredibly healthy.

But, thanks to the pandemic, 2020 has already been nearly an entire year of canceled social commitments and staying home. And many of us don’t have the luxury of being able to slow anything down, as we frantically juggle childcare with working or trying to find work.

And if we do get the chance to rest, that rest doesn’t always feel restorative, since we’re all experiencing multiple, ongoing, months-long, nationwide trauma events simultaneously.

So…what does that mean for Yule? A few thoughts come to mind. (Usual caveats apply, here: I am not a mental health professional or trauma counselor. The recommendations in this post may not be right for you or your situation, and your mileage may vary.)

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What does Qabala have to do with Tarot?

Qabala is the “operating system” of most modern Tarot decks. Mathematically, it works out very neatly: There are 22 cards in the Major Arcana, and 22 paths connecting the spheres on the Tree. The Minor Arcana features the numbers one through ten, and there are ten spheres on the Tree. There are four designations of court cards and four suits, and there are four levels of reality represented by three triangles plus Malkuth.

In an interesting and counterintuitive twist, the paths between spheres in the Tree are associated with the cards in the Major Arcana of the Tarot, and the spheres are associated with the cards in the Minor Arcana.

It seems weird at first – shouldn’t the spheres, the most prominent aspects of the Tree, be associated with the big events of the Major Arcana? But it makes sense when you think more deeply about it. The spheres represent more static states of being, whereas the paths represent the process of moving between those states. In much the same way, the cards of the Minor Arcana represent moments, or snapshots, and the Major Arcana depict the phases of The Fool’s Journey.

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